autumnal thoughts

romanticising my way through seasonal affective disorder

I am trying to embrace the blanket of clouds that are covering the once-vibrant blue summer skies. Summer always feels like it goes too quickly. Despite the longer days, we look back on August, July and June with a soft kind of sadness, like blurry memories where you can only remember how you felt but not exactly what happened.

Unlike summer, autumn has made herself extremely known. Early September, no later, no sooner, as if she was waiting in the wings. Even now, a crescendo of rain begins to fall outside my window. Drops of water emulate electricity, little sparks that jump about on the drainpipes. Pools of water collect on the roof and make big splashes on the ground below once there is no more room. Last week I was taking my jacket off on the walk home, this week I wait under a protruding roof until the heavy rain stops. I’m still wearing a T-shirt under this jacket. I wait and listen to this soundtrack of transition.

While outside earlier, I saw that the pavements were already starting to line themselves with orange leaves. The sky above me was darkened, the air quicker, sharper. I regretted not wearing a raincoat instead.

I found some old clothes of mine at my mother’s house, clothes I told her to give away. She could sense my reluctance so she kept them. A mother’s mind is a crystal ball. I found a cream v-neck jumper and a black and white pinstripe mini skirt, in other words, the perfect look for autumn. Something—excitement—rose in my chest. As much as I love summer, I love that autumn lets me cover my skin, particularly in soft wool and teddy fabric. Darker colours are welcome, muted jewel tones and neutrals—my favourites. As I look at myself in the mirror in this outfit, I start to think of hot drinks and candlelight, fairy lights and pumpkin-shaped mugs, blankets and the sound of rain on the roof. I’m giddy like a kid before Christmas.

I am getting sleepier, my body can feel the change in the air more than my eyes can see it. By 8 pm, my eyes are closing and sometimes it is frustrating. I don’t want to miss the moment the day begins to quieten, and I want to enjoy the soft glow of the fairy lights dotted around my living room for longer. I want to stay awake long enough to hear the rain pelt against my windows. See a rich, navy blue sky, one single colour, against the sky and watch the raindrops twinkle as they catch the light of the streetlamps below. I want to feel the distant warmth of my candles on the dining table, I want the evening to stretch out long enough for me to feel so encapsulated by it that I feel compelled to write about it. It’s not quite the same feeling in the morning. The darkness left over from the night before is not quite the same as when it first arrives.

This side of the world is starting to move further away from the sun and somewhere at my solar plexus I can feel it too. I have to give my body time to transition, just like the wind and the rain outside. They are a calling out to life outside of my window. Quickly! Summer is ending! Winter is coming! Collect all the nuts, grow out your fur, slow your heartbeat! I too must accept the transition and follow my natural instincts to slow down for this more intimate time of the year.

a morning journaling session (sep 2024)

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Happy September readers! How are we all welcoming in the new season? I do love summer and I know it technically doesn’t end until 22nd Sep, but honestly I am so sleepy and it’s been very rainy here in London(ish), so I’ve just gone full autumn vibes. Bring on the pumpkins, Gilmore Girls and soft jumpers. I’ve already switched out my summer closet for my autumn/winter stuff and even went shopping for some autumn decor (still on the search for an autumn-coded candle).

I hope you liked today’s post. Do you also struggle with SAD? If so, let me know some ways you remedy this because I’m feeling it very heavily this year :’(

Enjoy the falling leaves, I’ll see you soon <3

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