i got engaged and it’s changed everything

this late bloomer is finally growing up

the ring was four sizes too big so i haven’t been able to wear it, but i still took it out of its little box about once every two hours to put it on my finger just to stare at it. the more i looked at it, the more perfect it became. when i first saw it, i was in such shock and disbelief as to what was going on, that i couldn’t really see it at all. all i saw was a diamond held in tiny gold claws and something was going on by the shoulders but i couldn’t see it. i couldn’t see anything else but something sparkly in a box and the faint blob of my partner in my peripherals. it still doesn’t feel real.

we went to the shop to get it resized. the woman who helped him choose the ring was there. she complimented me, said i looked really nice and i accepted the compliment but my vision started to blur again. this woman spoke to my partner a mere couple of days ago. they would have discussed me. they would have spoken about my preferences, my personality. i existed somewhere else entirely for a short time without my knowledge. she would have had a picture in her head of what i looked like. did i match up to it? maybe, maybe not. everything became surreal again. i was standing in a jewellery shop as a fiancée, a woman, a woman engaged to be married, and there were prices surrounding me that i had never seen in my everyday bank account before.

i am so incredibly happy, but i also have no idea who i am anymore.

with turning 29 and getting engaged on the same day, suddenly my life feels like it has been splayed all over the floor, like everything has just fallen out of my handbag but i don’t recognise any of my belongings.

there was a me before i was engaged and there will be a me after but i haven’t quite reached her yet. maybe because i’m not wearing the ring. we’re waiting for the correct size to arrive in the post. i’ve already asked him to place it on my finger again, just like he did by the river at dusk, just so i can have that moment, replay it over and over in my head when life feels heavy. remembering him saying “god it’s way too big!” during the proposal is funny, but having him slip the ring on my finger and it fitting perfectly feels important for some reason.

i’m in a limbo of sorts. i have always felt a little behind in life. a little on the sidelines. my first kiss wasn’t until i was 21, i didn’t have my first “proper” job until i was 25, i feel like i’ve just recently learned how to do small talk and have conversations with strangers without tripping over my words, most of the time. my friends have started saying how we’re getting old more frequently now, how we’re adults now. she’s found a grey hair, that one’s bought a flat, this other one’s got a promotion and now earns £60k. some wind down with a glass of wine in the pub like i used to watch people do on tv after school. one of my old colleagues said his go-to drink was a glass of whisky and we were barely 27 at the time. my friend smokes on her balcony when she’s had a rough day at work. and during all this, i still felt like a child. had a mini crisis about it earlier this month in fact. thought i had to get rid of everything pink and grow up. a minor blip, i still have my pink belongings. but since the weekend, it feels like i’ve been shot out of a cannon and i’ve suddenly caught up with everyone my age, surpassed them a little even. i don’t want to start drinking or smoking, but i do feel another level of responsibility, a new level of consciousness even, of self-awareness. who am i? who do i want to be?

i have a mortgage with my fiancé and i work a job that i don’t completely hate. now i feel like the question who do i really want to be is staring me right in the face. it’s bright and its loud and i don’t have the answer. for once, i have everything i’m supposed to have but i don’t have the answer.

when the ring comes, i feel as though i will stare into it like a crystal ball and hope for answers. hope it will steer me in the right direction, help me manoeuvre this new chapter, shed a new skin and become comfortable with the fact that i am growing once more and that this time my eyes are completely open for it.

thank you for reading <3

i’m still on a high from all of this despite the mixed bag of emotions i talked about here and when the ring finally arrives in the post, you might see a little dot perched on top of the moon when you look out of your window, that will be me. i think all of this is mostly me turning 29, but there is something almost tangible about taking your relationship to the next level like this. i knew it would be different, but not quite like this. either way, i love exploring the self, i love reflecting and observing my emotions. this is such an interesting time in my life!

if you want to hear more about this and other more personal moments in my life, i run a personal blog here, desktop viewing only.

anyway, that’s all from me. i’ll see you again soon in the sun room <3