things to concentrate on this summer

instead of how perfect you want it to be

summer has so much potential it almost chokes me. i always think big picture, i think of how full i want my calendar to be, a past version of me worries about how my instagram feed would look in comparison to my friends, i think of whether i’m going to waste this time, the most magical time of year where everything has a golden hue and stars aren’t the only things that twinkle and shine, how many summers i’ve already wasted because i was too jealous of the sun for shining so bright, charming everyone to come out from their houses and dance underneath it, everyone but me it seemed. i think about how i’m in my 20s and feel like these summers are my last shot at youthful happiness.

because there is something so hypnotising about the sun, about that specific, loud shade of blue in the sky and the vibrant contrast between it and that dazzling shade of green that trees wear, about how sweet strawberries get at this time of year and how the sounds of ice clinking in glasses resets something within me, like i imagine my mum feels when she hears church bells. there’s something so hypnotising about summer that it gets me every year. i suddenly become ravenous for the perfect summer that involves friendships i don’t have, confidence i don’t have and energy i don’t have.

but i think i want to concentrate on something smaller this summer. the moments. the snapshots of joy and the few seconds where time seems to stop altogether or stretch on forever. the moments that are inevitable if i open myself up to them, by just getting on with what feels good, by not relying on my ideas of what summer should be or anyone else’s idea of what summer should be.

this is what i am concentrating on this summer: