what is it called when you're introverted but you kinda love a busy schedule
a week in my life - a solo trip to cambridge, seven hour retail shifts, holding a crab in my hand for the first time, a trip to the norfolk coast, the good kind of exhaustion
monday - a very warm solo trip
i missed my train. a part of me thought time would slow down just for me and that this minute, over all the other minutes in the day, would last just a little bit longer, long enough for us to drive home and back, this time with my phone in my bag which had my ticket, and still make it for my train on time. i missed my train by a minute. i told one of the station workers by the barriers. i was wearing a new dress, cherries dotted all over an a-line silhouette, sun hat that affectionately framed my face and laughed as i said i forgot my phone at home! like the silly little goose i am. he gave me a blank stare and told me to buy another ticket for the next train. i blinked. so did he. i went back to the car and bought another ticket for the next train.
an hour later, i was finally able to begin my solo trip to ely. the train ride was peaceful and although i had brought a book to accompany me, i found myself simply staring out of the window for the full fifty minutes. my attention span is fine. the train stopped and i stepped off the train and immediately into a preheated oven preparing for a loaf of banana bread. by the end of my trip, i was sure to be perfectly baked, complete with a slightly browner hue on my arms and legs, very much ready to take out of the oven and into a cooler space (back home in the living room, the coolest room in the house).
because of my missed train, the first thing i did in ely was find some lunch and somewhere to eat it. and because of my poor sense of direction and trust in my intuition, i circled the town centre about three times like a dog settling down for a nap in its bed before reaching a park to eat under a big tree. i took mouthfuls of chicken and pasta with a view of the cathedral peaking out from other big, bushy trees in the distance against a smooth blue sky that looked like someone had just dropped a tin of paint all over it. not a cloud or speckle in sight.
eventually, i made it to the place that inspired this entire journey. about three years ago, C (my partner) and i went to bath where i discovered my new favourite bookshop, topping and co. i remember skipping back to our airbnb like a child with a bag of sweets, except it was new additions to my bookshelf in this crisp paper bag that crinkled with every bounce. the now wrinkled bag said they also had branches in ely, edinburgh, st andrews and york and as a devout southerner, i hoped i would somehow make it to ely one day. who knew years later i would have bought a house in norfolk and ely would be just under an hour away.
my expectations were a little too high but i did feel the glint of excitement when i saw those ladders leaning up against the bookshelves once again. my eyes ran over practically every shelf, my tbr expanded a little and i felt a little more like myself. not much can go wrong in a room full of books.
it wasn’t long before i was waiting for my train home by a river, finally reading the book i had brought with me. the weather was perfect, sunny with a soft breeze. another tree gave me the gift of shade. i stopped reading and slowly made my way back to the train station, where a ladybird had perched on my shopping back, eager to take a trip with me back to norfolk. i took it on my finger, placed him on the ground and said goodbye to it and ely.
tuesday/wednesday/thursday - long shifts and house guests
i used to work 40 hours a week and it didn’t feel like much. sitting at home, wiggling my mouse every so often and pretending to look busy was easy. i knew it was easy. but now, looking at one seven hour shift at my retail job feels like being handed a sword to chop my own head off. (sorry for the blunt metaphor, C and i started watching game of thrones and i’ve seen a lot of heads being chopped off.) there is nothing longer than a seven hour shift, especially when you’re stuck doing the same thing the entire time. by the end, if you told me that i had in fact been in this store for three days straight, i might have believed you.
on tuesday, i came home from one of these impromptu seven hour shifts to C’s mother sitting in our garden. i knew she was coming to stay, but it still felt surreal at the time, walking into my own house and being greeted by someone else. i realised then that i couldn’t quite switch off, that i was about to spend almost twelve hours on. i pictured my nervous system like a string about to snap.
she was lovely as always. told me to head upstairs, that i must be exhausted from talking to people all day, take a moment before coming back down to chat and socialise. so i did. i washed my face, did my skincare, and a stretching session would have sounded nice too but i didn’t have it in me. also, i’ll never be able to fully relax with a third person in the house, no matter who it was.
she stayed for a couple of days, i went to work and we all came back to the house to eat dinners made by C at the dining table that we definitely eat at every day and not on our laps watching whatever tv series we both enjoy.
we picked up a new bike for C on the thursday, gave it a test drive around a lake. the sun was no stranger that day, prompting a stop off at a cafe for drinks coated in condensation, giving our fingertips tiny cooling baths. we squinted our eyes as we looked over the seemingly never ending expanse of green and the soft ripples in the river that made it seem like time has slowed down from our picnic bench. i quietly wondered how i had lived in london for so long without seeing views like this on a regular basis. i tried to play it cool as a wasp insisted on joining us at our table, eager to take sips of our bubbling, sugary drinks.
later, we packed her things into her car and told her we’d see her again on sunday to visit the campsite she was staying at.
hello quiet readers, i hope you’re enjoying this post so far. sorry i’ve been a bit inconsistent writing to you lately. i’m not too sure what i’ve been feeling this summer, a bit unmotivated, a bit lazy, but i’m hoping these types of posts can help me get back to writing regularly to you again and make me feel a little bit more like myself again. there is a part of me that is waiting for autumn to fix me, like there is some other version of me that i can’t quite reach while the sun is out for some reason. i’ll go into more detail either here or on my blog perhaps.
the rest of this post is for paid subscribers only, just so it feels a little safer to go a little deeper into my feelings. consider upgrading your subscription to read more on this unexpected busy week in my life! includes holding crabs, walking in the sea and questioning my introvertedness.
thank you for reading, thank you for being here <3
