winter is making me miserable

one woman's plea for the sun

trigger warning: disordered eating, depression

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what i’ve been thinking

i’ve been thinking about the tiny green buds that will soon become luscious big leaves appear on the trees once again, soon enough; those tiny green buds that have waited so long and cannot wait to enter this world they’ve dreamt about for months in their slumber. i’ve been thinking about that short moment between ice on the roads to breezes that don’t sting so much on the cheeks, the sudden moment when these buds appear on trees and the warm feeling in my soul that follows. i can’t wait to see them again.

i’ve been thinking about that time i saw the sun that late morning in the office the other week and in my bedroom on another day and how those are the only two times for over two months that i have seen it so bright and felt it on my skin. i’ve been thinking about how it’s not only my eyes that has missed the sun, stupefied by that vibrant, almost blinding orange tint behind my eye lids from its gorgeous, terrifying bright light, but my stomach too, for i have not eaten in a week and it wasn’t until i felt the touch of the sun on the back of my neck and my cheeks and saw that loud orange hue, the exact same one i used to think so much about when legs were no longer than my mother’s arm, that i felt hungry again.

what i’ve been doing

i’ve been looking at the date and time on my laptop screen as i lay horizontal on my couch and let the offensive sounds of microsoft teams wail in the background. even though my living room gets dark every day at around 4 pm and my eyes get heavy, close for a while and open up again at a time that means i have not had enough sleep, the date still says january. it has been january. it has been january. it is still january. i have been lighting candles and wrapping myself in blankets, in a duvet on particularly hard days, and drinking hot chocolates and eating stews and reading books and it is still january. it is still winter.

what i’ve been watching

someone spilled milk across the sky and i haven’t been able to see anything but a dull-coloured puddle for weeks. someone please come quick and tidy this up.

what i’ve been reading

my eyes have scanned over essays and prose but i have not felt the fullness that literature usually gives me. my books stand on my shelf as cold as i am—untouched, unloved by the sun. it hasn’t made their spines twinkle in a while. there has been no intense kisses to stain their pages yellow in a while.

recently, i have managed to pick up all about love by bell hooks as i have felt the sun twice now and i have seen blue skies again and i’m starting to feel these words fill me up again. so i am hoping that means the sun is on its way, that as i slowly unfurl, those green buds are preparing themselves to do the same, that this awakening happening within me is also happening beyond my window panes and we can all feel hunger and feed on the sun once more.

what i’ve been listening to

i have not been listening to birdsong in the morning and rustling leaves or the sounds of my stomach telling me it’s time to eat again. i have not heard a romantic rainfall throw itself against my rooftop or windows. i never hear cicadas but it would be nice if sometimes i did.

I haven’t heard planes fly over me at regular intervals that tells me it’s that time of year when people like to pack their bags and explore other corners of the world. no sounds of ice knocking politely on the sides of glasses or the sound of a fan whirring. i know it will all come again soon but how much longer must i wait.

i have been listening to my kettle boil under dim moonlight and the sound of the raspberry jam jar lid spin on its edges against my counter top until it stops, dressing my tongue in something sweet since there is nothing sweet to look at. i have heard my work laptop start up, i have heard myself groan.

but i have also listened to the voice of my partner telling me that everything will be alright. and sometimes, i believe him.

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hello quiet readers. this week’s post is a little bit of a heavy one but it is how i’m feeling. winter is hard. i’m officially waiting for spring idc. i think it’s okay to hate a couple months or a whole season. i enjoy being cosy and lighting candles etc. but at the end of the day, my birthday is in july for a reason. i am a sunshine baby!! i cannot function without sunshine. people who thrive in the winter might as well come from mars.

i hope you liked or can relate to today’s post. if you’re also struggling, don’t worry, we’re nearly there <3

here is my last post if you missed it which was a list of reflections, good and bad.

i’ll see you next week xo

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