you can’t always be your highest self and that’s okay

discovering my four stages of self and how sometimes it's okay to make bad decisions

when i realised that your highest self can be embodied, that it can be something that you practice on a regular basis, it changed the way i thought about myself. i am a changing being with fluctuations and emotions and moods, so why can’t i be functioning as my highest self sometimes and other times sit in the knowledge that i might not be, that i don’t always need to be working on myself.

in my efforts to slow down and take a more intentional approach to life, i’ve found that there are four versions of myself that i fluctuate between: my highest self, my relaxed self, my unforgiving self and my forgiving self. and every version makes life look a little different.

my highest self

i heard someone say once that their highest self is their most trying self, and i haven’t stopped thinking about this since. the idea that your highest self is some unattainable being you can never reach never quite sat right with me. sure, it would give you something to strive towards, but in some ways, it felt like running in a dream, like trying to sprint in a body of water, the door at the end of the hallway never seeming to get any closer, no matter how long you’ve been running. i like the idea that we should all strive to be our best selves, and that perhaps there is a perfect version of ourselves somewhere in our consciousness that we should strive to be, but that form cannot be human, as humans are not perfect. but what if, like this person said, our highest selves can (also?) be when we try the hardest to become this version?

what if we could reach that best version of ourselves and sit at the top of our pyramid of selfhood and enjoy it momentarily? it won’t last forever but it sure would feel good. what’s the difference between this and gratitude, when you look around at what you have and who you are and feel proud, feel genuine joy about where you are in life right now. it’s the same as that ever-so-apt saying that life is like a rollercoaster. this is the part where you’re soaring at the very top, there may be a little drop soon or even a big one coming but for now you’re not focused on that, you’re focused on the view, on the fact that the clouds look so close from up here, that people look so small from up here, that all your little problems and worries don’t seem as important right now because you’re on top of the world.

this version of myself means the sun and i walk through our days holding hands. i rise with it, i sit with it as i journal at my desk first thing in the morning and fill in my daily planner. it sits beside me as i take out the book i’m currently reading and read for an hour before logging in to work. i take breaks when i need to, i work when i need to. i stick to my routine. i move my body at the same time every day and it doesn’t feel like a chore. i relish in feeling my limbs stretch and my muscles contract and i feel alive. i make time for the things that make me happy. i am operating at my best and life is like what the colour yellow must feel like if i could moisturise my skin with it. i recognise that this won’t last, like a perfectly made home-cooked meal, the contents of this bowl must come to an end but i’m savouring the taste until the very last bite. i release my hand from the sun as it sets for the evening, and i’m excited to do it all over again tomorrow.

my relaxed self