6 changes i'm making to make this year count

quiet notes from my journal #7: coming to terms with the fact that i have been actively avoiding my dreams

there is a lot of expectation that comes with new year’s, and it’s very easy to get overwhelmed, to start overanalysing your life, to start seeing all the ways where you don’t measure up. although i have some big dreams this year, i am reminding myself that the most important thing right now isn’t whether i achieve those dreams or not, it’s trying in the first place. it’s not letting the fear of failure stop me from doing the things i’ve wanted to do for such a long time, even since i was a child. this might not be “my year”, but i’m sure going to try by at least walking in the right direction.

here are some notes from my journal as i try to figure out how i’m going to try a little harder this year to be the person i want to be.

writing as nature

this is a big thing for me this year. i feel so incredibly lucky for the readership i have gained on substack, and in a way, it’s proof to me that i am not an absolutely terrible writer! people show up, they like my writing, they leave lovely comments, and some even support me financially. so, of course i can write the damn book!

i want writing fiction to be as second nature as writing pieces every week for substack is. i’ve just been so afraid of not being good enough. i keep thinking, if i begin writing fiction and it’s not good, then my entire sense of self will crumble. so i haven’t been trying. i’ve been doing everything but try. starting my own publishing press, running a magazine and publishing other people, even starting a substack where i specifically don’t write fiction—i’ve been teetering on the edge of the publishing industry for long enough.

i’ve been afraid that i’ve been walking around as a fraud, telling people my whole life that i’m going to write books, but what if i don’t? what if i can’t?

but i’ve finally tried to counter this. i started writing last month, a short story about a woman who needs stories to keep her alive and becomes invisible without writing them all down. and i’ve literally just realised, in real-time as i write this, how analogous that is to my relationship with writing. wow. it’s true, i don’t think i’ll feel whole without publishing a book. well then. i guess i’m in the middle of writing magical realism with a touch of autofiction.

the window as television

instead of eating breakfast in front of a screen, i’m going to try and eat in front of the window instead. this is a habit i need to break. i may not use social media but my relationship with youtube is certainly something i can improve. i tend to put on a youtube video that is much longer than the time it takes to eat my breakfast and then finish eating and continue watching. then watch something else. and suddenly the morning is gone and i haven’t gone back to the task i was doing before breakfast.

the other morning however, i ate breakfast in front of the window. i watched magpies and seagulls and pigeons and maybe even a thrush. i saw one dart into the bushes. i saw maybe a pigeon race across the edges of my window and thought perhaps he was late for something. i chuckled at the thought. i hoped to see a robin but didn’t. maybe in tomorrow’s episode. i saw the clouds pass in the sky with purpose. i saw the wind batter the trees and thought about how cold it must be out there. i saw a train pass in the distance. i ate my food slower without even noticing and then i got straight back to my desk to continue writing.

the internet as a playground

the internet is not just five websites owned by people who actively want to destroy creativity, individuality and the literal neurons in my brain; it’s all the websites on neocities (including my own!).