for the ones whose love language is quality time
the joys of solo dates and spending quality time with yourself
you may have heard of the guidebook, the artist’s way by julia cameron and the running joke of “this year i will definitely finish it!” and that’s not shade, that’s just how it goes with this book. i don’t have it myself but what i do have is another one of her books, write for life which is very similar but instead focuses on helping you finally finish that first draft and become comfortable with the identity of a writer. when i saw this book in the bookshop (many moons ago, you already know where i’m going with this) i was elated and immediately took it to the till for purchase.
and what do you know, it’s been about a year and i have completed all of one chapter. but that one chapter has made such a huge impact on my entire life that i never saw coming.
last year, my word of the year was slow and finding this book was the cherry on top. i had always heard about julia’s morning pages and artist dates and they sounded good from a distance, until i read about them for myself in write for life. morning pages aren’t just journaling, they’re a form a meditation, they are a way to find the answer to all your questions that are already hidden deep within you. in chapter 1, julia speaks of feeling trapped as a screenwriter and would try to ask the morning pages for answers about a movie she was working on. through these daily meditations, she eventually had the revelation that she didn’t have to be a screenwriter at all and could write books instead when the idea for a protagonist popped into her head.
i was happy to hear about her morning pages routine as i had already been doing something similar for a couple of years myself. i’m forever going on about stream-of-consciousness journaling but i had never thought of it as a form of meditation. i’ve been trying to get into a regular meditation practice but never find that it sticks, but to hear that i had been participating in another form this whole time was refreshing. meditation can take many shapes and doesn’t always mean sitting cross-legged, eyes closed with a calming playlist in the background first thing in the morning.
as well as the morning pages, julia suggests that you should block out two hours every week to take yourself on an artist date. the artist date is expansive. it’s an opportunity to spend time with yourself and your inner writer. it’s time to do something “festive and out of the ordinary”, and doing this in conjunction with the morning pages should bring joy, luck and flow. she says, “you will find yourself in a flow of happy coincidences and good luck”. doesn’t that sound divine?
last year, i can say that just reading the very first chapter of this made a significant impact on my life. i think it was the first time i truly understood what it meant to feel joy and how to go out and get it myself instead of waiting for life to hand me a small slice of it every now and then. i didn’t leave my house every single week for these artist dates, but just the act of making time for something artsy and personal and spiritual every week opened me up as a person, as a participant of life, as an artist.
my calendar was beginning to look a little less empty and a little more colourful. i felt a greater sense of purpose. as an introvert, it’s much too easy to stay inside and keep myself occupied with my hobbies and interests. i’ve known since i was a kid that i don’t need anyone else to have a good time, i don’t even need to leave the house! but this line of thinking can become restrictive. it’s great to love your own company but you miss out on a lot when you don’t leave the house much. there’s a lot to learn about yourself even beyond the comfortable walls of your home.
as amazing as these new activities to my weeks were, i was still struggling with my writing. it has been my dream since i was first able to pick up a pencil to be an author. i’ve loved fiction my entire life and my life would simply feel incomplete without writing a book. i’ve had countless ideas for stories over the years, but when it came to writing them down and finishing something, i had nothing. empty mind, empty pages. and for the life of me, i didn’t know where to start when it came to the writing portion of write for life, so i never moved on to chapter two. but i did take the practice of morning pages and solo dates with me.
as winter rolled around, i naturally retreated back indoors (like the dark side of the moon, i am never seen between the months of november to february) and my artist dates slowly dwindled. however, the world has that summery glow once again and i remembered this book that’s been sitting on my shelf untouched for nearly a year, everything i learned about artist dates and decided to take myself out on one this past weekend. and something even more surprising has happened recently, i started to write a short story.
when i say the sun is my life force, i genuinely mean it. motivation takes hold of me like being in one of those 0 to 60 in 1.8 seconds sort of cars. one minute it’s a cloudy day in january, i’m stationary, thinking about reading a book, probably won’t, the next it’s july and i’m flying and reading four books in the space of two weeks, writing three novels, completing my island in animal crossing and have accidentally run to windsor. so last week, i felt the urge to visit a bunch of stationery shops dotted around london, something i wouldn’t have thought twice about if the clocks said GMT and not BST, and i had a wonderful time. my purse, however, did not but that’s besides the point.
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i went to the london graphic centre, art box, choosing keeping and stopped off in brick lane to check out the markets. i always get a little anxious before leaving the house, especially if i’m going out on my own, and it takes everything in me to begin the process of getting ready. the only reason i was able to leave was because c was getting a haircut and i told myself, when he gets up to get ready, i’ll do the same. and thank god he didn’t change his mind because i came home with some very adorable stickers and a great feeling of accomplishment. i felt a little closer to myself and a little more adventurous and it reminded me of how easy it is to get lost in the rhythms of life and neglect spending quality time with yourself.
even if you don’t think of yourself as an artist or a writer, i think solo dates should be an integral part of everyone’s life. it’s fun to shop with friends and go on dates with your partner, but have you ever strolled through the aisles of a stationery shop checking out every single item in extreme detail without guilt that someone else is waiting for you? or decided to ride the bus on a hot summer day in central london even though the air con was non-existent but you really wanted to watch the city go by and you knew whoever you were with would have adamantly demanded a tube line with air con instead?
i think i’m going to pick up julia’s write for life once more and see how far i get with it. now that i have a little story i’m working on too, i think we can probably get past just the one chapter this time.
hello quiet readers, how is your week going? i hope you enjoyed today’s post. that stationery crawl is probably going to be one of the highlights of my year. also highly recommend art box if you like cutesy stuff and sanrio characters! that place is heaven. i’ll be writing a blog post about it on my website (desktop only) soon :’)
what do you think about solo dates? have you been on one recently? i’d love to hear about them as i also need some ideas for myself! i was also thinking of writing about my process with ‘write for life’? like a weekly updates sort of thing and how i’m finding the process. it might actually help me stick to it this time and maybe actually complete a short story! let me know!
i’ll be back again for paid subscribers on friday — have a lovely rest of your week <3
solo dates are scary for me as someone who is co dependent in a lot of ways…but i’m also slowly trying to break out of that habit so i think i need to do it soon!
I love this post, but please Candice, don't kid yourself it's normal to be anxious before going out. I'm introverted and auDHD (autistic & ADHD), and I sometimes get anxious before going out into the world. But the only way to get over it is to keep practicing by going out more often. That doesn't mean staying out all day, but it might mean going out of the house every single day, even if just for a walk.
As a trainee counsellor, the normalization of anxiety in today's world is BONKERS. You're describing social anxiety, whether you're neurotypical or not. Also please check out Vitamin D deficiency! According to naturopathic doctor Lara Briden, optimal vitamin D levels are 29 - 60 ng/mL (72.5 - 150 nmol/L), much higher than most doctors consider 'normal'.