And I was also thinking about the fact, that in some cultures / countries (for example in Scandinavia) quietness is much more appreciated than in the US.
I've owned this book for years and have yet to read it annoyingly! but funnily enough I think now is the perfect time to read it now that I've been having all these thoughts.
I was also thinking something similar while writing but more about the difference between shyness and anxiety. I don't think I'm as socially anxious as I used to be but I still tend to be reluctant to say much. what would you say the difference is between being shy and quiet?
I must confess, that I also own the book, but didn't read it yet 🫣
For me the difference is, that I do say things, if I think it is important. Even in a bigger group. I'm not really afraid of saying something (well, sometimes I am), it's just that I often don't really feel the urge to do so (even if I'm in a smaller group with friends).
I don't know if I am able to express how much I related to this publication. I have always been shy - which, as you also know and point out really well, is very different from being anxious or something else you can slowly work through and perhaps get better at (that would imply that there's something to be fixed, that this personality trait is indeed a problem that needs to be solved). when we are kids, the comments are hurtful and insistent, but, as you exemplify so well, it gets even more complex once we grow up. because then comes the assumption that in order to be a functioning, trustworthy, confident adult, you need to turn into an extrovert. if we applied the same logic to other personality traits, we would quickly realise how ridiculous it sounds - imagine if, when growing up, everyone had to stop being nice to be less nice, or stop being curious, or anything like that. sounds stupid, obviously, because growing up doesn't come with the requirement of changing your personality. but when it comes to being shy/an introvert, that's what people expect. "Just get over it!!". I had "friends" telling me that me being like that was embarrassing and not making me look good in social interactions, and that I was less attractive because of that. a therapist agreeing - basically laughing at me when I said "but this is me", and answering "no, that's what who you keep being because you don't wanna change". (lol, damn right). but now I'm at peace with it. thank you so much for writing this, it was an amazing read. it made me really emotional, particularly the bit about your father, because I saw mine in him -- he, too, is a shy adult, and the one showing me that he is no less because of that. have a great day, candice ☺️
yes! exactly!! to stop being shy is exactly how you said, to try and remove an authentic piece of your personality, it's inane. also that therapist and your "friends" need to, respectfully, take a hike. i'm sorry you had that experience, i know how disorienting a bad experience with a therapist can be. thank you so much for your comment, i've read it so many times and i've been thinking about it a lot (sorry for the v late response!) and it's helped me to remind myself that i am fine just the way i am, just like our fathers :') hope you've been having a lovely week <33
first of all, no need to apologise about the late response! it came just in time :) also, thank you again, because your answer made me smile almost as much as the publication itself. you're absolutely right about everything you said. i'm very glad my comment made you feel encouraged, supported, and fine just the way you are (because you are, honestly, pretty amazing, from what i see here). keep writing, i'll be here reading! hope you are having a lovely week too <3
i relate to this so much!! all my life i’ve been told im quiet/shy and even though i’m a lot less shy now than when i was a kid, i’ve realized that i still usually tend towards listening as a default (the amount of “you’re so quiet” comments or jokes i’ve heard though 🤦♀️). i think there is a difference between letting shyness inhibit you from doing the things you want to do or say vs being comfortable with your shyness, and i feel like i’m definitely more of the latter now so i dont think theres a problem with it. i love how you framed it as kind of a litmus test to see who is willing to actually take the time to get to know you, and it’s our superpower. thank you for writing this 😊
aw this is a really sweet comment thank you! i think i have some more work to do to become comfortable with it but i'll get there :') also yes the "you're so quiet" comments get real old real quick😅 like have we not met enough people by now to know not everyone likes to yap
As a quiet 50-yr-old I'm happy to be naturally quiet, and to have my chatty moments when I choose too (and I run the Quiet ADHD Club for introverted, sensitive, late-discovered women). As has already been recommended I'd suggest reading Susan Cain's Quiet, it could be interesting to see if it's introversion or shyness that you feel resonates with you. Introversion is about naturally preferring quiet and energy being depleted by spending time with people (but it's not about being anti-social). Shyness is about naturally preferring quiet and being concerned with how others will perceive you so some social anxiety too.
When someone tells you you're too quiet (lost count early on how often I was told that) it's not about you, it's about their discomfort with quiet, with silence, with someone who doesn't fill every moment with sound. Whether you're 8, 28, 48, 78… your quietness is valid x
thank you for your comment gabrielle! ooh i think i'm both shy and introverted haha people absolutely exhaust me and one of the things i love most about life is taking a day of rest completely alone after having a few social events, however sometimes i get a little sad if i haven't done anything social in a few weeks! and i absolutely agree, i think a lot of things in life are like that, it's usually the other person that is having an issue rather than you doing anything "wrong". also that book has moved several spaces up the tbr haha <3
Fellow shy 28 year old here!! I think it is absolutely fine to be a shy adult, because you have to live your life on your terms! Unfortunately, I don’t think I am content being shy even though that is my default setting. I think my irishness butts heads with my shyness to be honest hahaha I love chatting with people and get a good buzz out of it when I can push myself out of my shyness, but that is not always possible!!
right! we're all walking contradictions and i think that makes us more interesting if anything. being a shy adult is something we have to become okay with, but i definitely don't think it's something we should be ashamed of. thank you so much for reading! <3
Love this! I've always been shy and at 32, I have struggled with feeling bad about still being shy as an adult... But it doesn't mean I'm not a capable adult! And also seconding another commenter's suggestion on the book Quiet - it was great.
well i'm glad it's not just me! it's very comforting to know that others have had these same thoughts of whether they should change themselves or "grow out of" anything so thank you for your comment :') i'm definitely going to give that book a read soon!
this post makes me feel seen - it seems to me that the quiet adults are dispersed all around the world to humble and challenge the loud adults, which is why we rarely meet our kind 😌🌷
this means a lot actually, as a shy person who is transitioning into adulthood right now! it's a good reminder that I don't have to change myself just to "act my age"
I was so shy as a kid I got in trouble at school for it, mainly from power tripping teachers who thought it was an attitude problem. Yes, I was choosing not to talk to get attention instead of just being shy and wishing no one would pay attention to me. 🙄
In college, a guy I liked once said ‘you don’t talk a lot but when you do talk, it’s either something funny or profound’ and that’s always stuck with me.
As an adult I’m still quiet and have social anxiety but I’ve come out of my shell a lot, working retail in my late teens-early 20s helped a lot. Some things are still hard for me, including answering the door for trick or treaters, I’m glad I’m not alone in that.
so crazy for getting in trouble for virtually doing nothing, so wild. ah working retail helped me so much too! also glad that you related to this, I'm going to talk to the trick or treaters for both of us haha
We have a black cat who would try to escape if we keep opening the door, so I sit behind the screen door with a bowl of candy on the porch. Keeps the cat safe and he gets to watch the people, and minimal interaction for me. Win win haha.
Thank you for this <3 it means a lot to read this reflection from a fellow introvert. I really appreciate your newsletter! Wishing you a lovely Sunday and happy new week.
I grew up in care (I’m 55 now), and I was very shy. I was constantly being moved between homes and families but I found that my shyness was a good thing, it rendered me invisible and enabled me to avoid conversations and confrontations, it also, very importantly, protected my energy. Fast forward to when my two daughters were at primary school though… I distinctly remember, when my eldest was 7 being told that she was far too quiet and shy so the teacher hadn’t had the chance to get to know her and could see she got it from her parents. Oh my did I see red but to my shame I had no idea how to deal with it. This became a running theme during her time at primary, they didn’t make any effort to connect with her so as well as being shy she was so lonely and it broke my heart. Then my second daughter started the school 3 years later and exactly the same story repeated itself, but I was prepared that time! They should have installed a revolving door I was in there so much. Shaking like a leaf and hating every minute of it but my god I was angry. It improved gradually and she had a much better experience than her sister but the ethos of that school was if you about the loudest you’ll get the attention, be quiet at your peril because we’ll just ignore you. Shameful. Anyway! All 3 of us, to this day, are shy and quiet, but don’t underestimate us, when we speak we mean it. Your post was brilliant, thank you!
oh my goodness this sums up the experience I just had at my previous job!! if you're quiet, you'll get ignored and also won't get trained in important aspects of the job! it was mental. I'm really sorry you all had to go through that, what a ridiculous way to treat children as well?? what happened to nurturing every student with their individual needs? god that annoyed me. but I'm glad you had the courage to speak out and tell them what they needed to hear! and shyness helping to protect your energy and keeping you out of confrontations is so real. it can genuinely be like a cloak of invisibility and sometimes, I'm grateful for that ability haha. thank you for sharing that little story with me, it made a couple of things click for me, and thank you for reading <3
I’m just seeing this now, but it is so timely to what I Iost sleep over last night. I’m typically known for my outgoing and extroverted nature in social settings, but find that I get extremely shy and unable to speak or contribute in intimate team/professional/creative meeting settings. It’s such a contradiction that I am trying to understand and I can’t tell if it’s genuine that a part of me is shy or it’s anxiety of being in certain spaces. Or both? Thank you for this piece, I’ll be coming back to reflect often.
yes same! something about professional settings just does not agree with me haha it's also something that has been coming up a lot recently and that I'm trying to work out, I'm so glad we can understand each other here :') thank you for reading🩷
I'm also quiet, when I'm in a group. But I don't think I'm shy. There's a difference between the two.
You might like this book:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiet:_The_Power_of_Introverts_in_a_World_That_Can%27t_Stop_Talking
And I was also thinking about the fact, that in some cultures / countries (for example in Scandinavia) quietness is much more appreciated than in the US.
I've owned this book for years and have yet to read it annoyingly! but funnily enough I think now is the perfect time to read it now that I've been having all these thoughts.
I was also thinking something similar while writing but more about the difference between shyness and anxiety. I don't think I'm as socially anxious as I used to be but I still tend to be reluctant to say much. what would you say the difference is between being shy and quiet?
I must confess, that I also own the book, but didn't read it yet 🫣
For me the difference is, that I do say things, if I think it is important. Even in a bigger group. I'm not really afraid of saying something (well, sometimes I am), it's just that I often don't really feel the urge to do so (even if I'm in a smaller group with friends).
I don't know if I am able to express how much I related to this publication. I have always been shy - which, as you also know and point out really well, is very different from being anxious or something else you can slowly work through and perhaps get better at (that would imply that there's something to be fixed, that this personality trait is indeed a problem that needs to be solved). when we are kids, the comments are hurtful and insistent, but, as you exemplify so well, it gets even more complex once we grow up. because then comes the assumption that in order to be a functioning, trustworthy, confident adult, you need to turn into an extrovert. if we applied the same logic to other personality traits, we would quickly realise how ridiculous it sounds - imagine if, when growing up, everyone had to stop being nice to be less nice, or stop being curious, or anything like that. sounds stupid, obviously, because growing up doesn't come with the requirement of changing your personality. but when it comes to being shy/an introvert, that's what people expect. "Just get over it!!". I had "friends" telling me that me being like that was embarrassing and not making me look good in social interactions, and that I was less attractive because of that. a therapist agreeing - basically laughing at me when I said "but this is me", and answering "no, that's what who you keep being because you don't wanna change". (lol, damn right). but now I'm at peace with it. thank you so much for writing this, it was an amazing read. it made me really emotional, particularly the bit about your father, because I saw mine in him -- he, too, is a shy adult, and the one showing me that he is no less because of that. have a great day, candice ☺️
yes! exactly!! to stop being shy is exactly how you said, to try and remove an authentic piece of your personality, it's inane. also that therapist and your "friends" need to, respectfully, take a hike. i'm sorry you had that experience, i know how disorienting a bad experience with a therapist can be. thank you so much for your comment, i've read it so many times and i've been thinking about it a lot (sorry for the v late response!) and it's helped me to remind myself that i am fine just the way i am, just like our fathers :') hope you've been having a lovely week <33
first of all, no need to apologise about the late response! it came just in time :) also, thank you again, because your answer made me smile almost as much as the publication itself. you're absolutely right about everything you said. i'm very glad my comment made you feel encouraged, supported, and fine just the way you are (because you are, honestly, pretty amazing, from what i see here). keep writing, i'll be here reading! hope you are having a lovely week too <3
i relate to this so much!! all my life i’ve been told im quiet/shy and even though i’m a lot less shy now than when i was a kid, i’ve realized that i still usually tend towards listening as a default (the amount of “you’re so quiet” comments or jokes i’ve heard though 🤦♀️). i think there is a difference between letting shyness inhibit you from doing the things you want to do or say vs being comfortable with your shyness, and i feel like i’m definitely more of the latter now so i dont think theres a problem with it. i love how you framed it as kind of a litmus test to see who is willing to actually take the time to get to know you, and it’s our superpower. thank you for writing this 😊
aw this is a really sweet comment thank you! i think i have some more work to do to become comfortable with it but i'll get there :') also yes the "you're so quiet" comments get real old real quick😅 like have we not met enough people by now to know not everyone likes to yap
As a quiet 50-yr-old I'm happy to be naturally quiet, and to have my chatty moments when I choose too (and I run the Quiet ADHD Club for introverted, sensitive, late-discovered women). As has already been recommended I'd suggest reading Susan Cain's Quiet, it could be interesting to see if it's introversion or shyness that you feel resonates with you. Introversion is about naturally preferring quiet and energy being depleted by spending time with people (but it's not about being anti-social). Shyness is about naturally preferring quiet and being concerned with how others will perceive you so some social anxiety too.
When someone tells you you're too quiet (lost count early on how often I was told that) it's not about you, it's about their discomfort with quiet, with silence, with someone who doesn't fill every moment with sound. Whether you're 8, 28, 48, 78… your quietness is valid x
thank you for your comment gabrielle! ooh i think i'm both shy and introverted haha people absolutely exhaust me and one of the things i love most about life is taking a day of rest completely alone after having a few social events, however sometimes i get a little sad if i haven't done anything social in a few weeks! and i absolutely agree, i think a lot of things in life are like that, it's usually the other person that is having an issue rather than you doing anything "wrong". also that book has moved several spaces up the tbr haha <3
Fellow shy 28 year old here!! I think it is absolutely fine to be a shy adult, because you have to live your life on your terms! Unfortunately, I don’t think I am content being shy even though that is my default setting. I think my irishness butts heads with my shyness to be honest hahaha I love chatting with people and get a good buzz out of it when I can push myself out of my shyness, but that is not always possible!!
right! we're all walking contradictions and i think that makes us more interesting if anything. being a shy adult is something we have to become okay with, but i definitely don't think it's something we should be ashamed of. thank you so much for reading! <3
Love this! I've always been shy and at 32, I have struggled with feeling bad about still being shy as an adult... But it doesn't mean I'm not a capable adult! And also seconding another commenter's suggestion on the book Quiet - it was great.
well i'm glad it's not just me! it's very comforting to know that others have had these same thoughts of whether they should change themselves or "grow out of" anything so thank you for your comment :') i'm definitely going to give that book a read soon!
this post makes me feel seen - it seems to me that the quiet adults are dispersed all around the world to humble and challenge the loud adults, which is why we rarely meet our kind 😌🌷
this means a lot actually, as a shy person who is transitioning into adulthood right now! it's a good reminder that I don't have to change myself just to "act my age"
exactly! it's the age thing that was tripping me up like am I supposed to grow out of my personality? sounds insane!
Thank you for writing this! And 100% relate and lol I always got those comments when I was younger in school too.
🥰🩷
I was so shy as a kid I got in trouble at school for it, mainly from power tripping teachers who thought it was an attitude problem. Yes, I was choosing not to talk to get attention instead of just being shy and wishing no one would pay attention to me. 🙄
In college, a guy I liked once said ‘you don’t talk a lot but when you do talk, it’s either something funny or profound’ and that’s always stuck with me.
As an adult I’m still quiet and have social anxiety but I’ve come out of my shell a lot, working retail in my late teens-early 20s helped a lot. Some things are still hard for me, including answering the door for trick or treaters, I’m glad I’m not alone in that.
so crazy for getting in trouble for virtually doing nothing, so wild. ah working retail helped me so much too! also glad that you related to this, I'm going to talk to the trick or treaters for both of us haha
We have a black cat who would try to escape if we keep opening the door, so I sit behind the screen door with a bowl of candy on the porch. Keeps the cat safe and he gets to watch the people, and minimal interaction for me. Win win haha.
Thank you for this <3 it means a lot to read this reflection from a fellow introvert. I really appreciate your newsletter! Wishing you a lovely Sunday and happy new week.
thank you for such a kind comment! that means a lot to hear you say that 🩷 wishing you the same!
Yes, introversion is its own superpower, too!
I grew up in care (I’m 55 now), and I was very shy. I was constantly being moved between homes and families but I found that my shyness was a good thing, it rendered me invisible and enabled me to avoid conversations and confrontations, it also, very importantly, protected my energy. Fast forward to when my two daughters were at primary school though… I distinctly remember, when my eldest was 7 being told that she was far too quiet and shy so the teacher hadn’t had the chance to get to know her and could see she got it from her parents. Oh my did I see red but to my shame I had no idea how to deal with it. This became a running theme during her time at primary, they didn’t make any effort to connect with her so as well as being shy she was so lonely and it broke my heart. Then my second daughter started the school 3 years later and exactly the same story repeated itself, but I was prepared that time! They should have installed a revolving door I was in there so much. Shaking like a leaf and hating every minute of it but my god I was angry. It improved gradually and she had a much better experience than her sister but the ethos of that school was if you about the loudest you’ll get the attention, be quiet at your peril because we’ll just ignore you. Shameful. Anyway! All 3 of us, to this day, are shy and quiet, but don’t underestimate us, when we speak we mean it. Your post was brilliant, thank you!
oh my goodness this sums up the experience I just had at my previous job!! if you're quiet, you'll get ignored and also won't get trained in important aspects of the job! it was mental. I'm really sorry you all had to go through that, what a ridiculous way to treat children as well?? what happened to nurturing every student with their individual needs? god that annoyed me. but I'm glad you had the courage to speak out and tell them what they needed to hear! and shyness helping to protect your energy and keeping you out of confrontations is so real. it can genuinely be like a cloak of invisibility and sometimes, I'm grateful for that ability haha. thank you for sharing that little story with me, it made a couple of things click for me, and thank you for reading <3
That’s why I commented because it’s an important topic and you read so little about it. Keep it up, you write so well 👍
I’m just seeing this now, but it is so timely to what I Iost sleep over last night. I’m typically known for my outgoing and extroverted nature in social settings, but find that I get extremely shy and unable to speak or contribute in intimate team/professional/creative meeting settings. It’s such a contradiction that I am trying to understand and I can’t tell if it’s genuine that a part of me is shy or it’s anxiety of being in certain spaces. Or both? Thank you for this piece, I’ll be coming back to reflect often.
yes same! something about professional settings just does not agree with me haha it's also something that has been coming up a lot recently and that I'm trying to work out, I'm so glad we can understand each other here :') thank you for reading🩷